Lance Gunner is a private investigator who hails from the Gunner-verse.  His first appearance, a novel tentatively entitled Fully Loaded Gunner, is currently in the preliminary stages of planning.


Lance Gunner as a concept is a thinly-veiled parody of Mike Hammer mixed with Don Quixote.  He is a brutal, paranoid, and volatile alpha male who, in stopping criminals from committing crimes of various types, often commits worse atrocities in the process.  Often, said criminals are criminals in his mind only.

Crime, Coincidence, and Cause-and-EffectEdit

Lance seems to have a real problem with understanding "crime" as an abstract concept, and the term "coincidence" is foreign to Lance Gunner. The bank robbery at 2nd Federal on 4th and Main? That was organized to coincide with the kidnapping across town an hour earlier. And that kidnapping across town an hour earlier is somehow connected to the jaywalker crossing the street on 12th and Wry, right in front of Lance's car. They're all connected, all a part of Crime--a vast, shadowy criminal organization that holds the city in the ever-tightening grip of its slimy tentacles. Or so Lance thinks. And when Lance thinks about Crime, with its off-white, undulating underbelly breathing in the same air as the law-abiding citizens of his city...well, Lance gets angry. And so he mows down the jaywalker and speeds to work, just in time to receive word from his secretary Vulva Leggs that there was a hit-and-run coming over the police band near 12th and Wry about ten minutes earlier. The principle of "cause and effect is also foreign to Lance, as he fails to realize that he was the perpetrator of said hit-and-run. Instead, Lance tilts his head back and curses into the sky, swearing vengeance against Crime and its elusive, seemingly omniscient boss (whom Lance is convinced exists).

Supporting CastEdit

Vulva Leggs

Vulva is intended to be a parody of Mike Hammer's secretary Velda, except with perhaps a bit more in-your-face sex appeal. Though Lance is unaware of his own connection to the crimes he investigates, Vulva (like most of the frightened citizens of the city in which Lance lives) is competent enough to understand Lance's role. But regardless of Lance Gunner's insanity and violent tendencies, Vulva is madly in love with him. He does, after all, remind her of her father--and she's just a "liberated" gal in the big city (tee hee).

Regarding her name, writer Randall Malus had this to say: "Mickey Spillane named Mike Hammer's secretary Velda because he wanted her name to remind the male reader of female sexuality. For me, a name like Velda still leaves too much to the imagination. So, nuts to decency, I say. Also, that thing I said about how Mickey Spillane named Velda is probably false, seeing as I just now made that up."

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